Abusive Relationships / Nancy (Mom)
If you are in a “stormy” relationship there are certain questions you need to ask yourself, and the honest answers to those questions can help you to make the choice of whether to stay with that person or to leave the relationship.
Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Is the other person causing you a great deal of pain (emotional, mental and /or physical)?
2. Do you find yourself hiding what you think or feel because you’re afraid of the other person’s reaction?
3. Do you avoid fighting with the other person because it just doesn’t seem worth the horrible fight or hurt feelings that will follow?
4. Do you feel as if you are walking on eggshells?
5. Do you feel that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you?
6. Do you feel like you are blamed and criticized for everything that is wrong in the relationship, even when it makes no logical sense?
7. Are you the focus of the other person’s intense, violent and seemingly irrational rages, alternating with periods when the other person acts perfectly normal and loving?
8. Do you “keep behind closed doors” what is happening in your relationship because you are afraid of what the other person would do if anyone found out what is happening?
10. Do you feel as if you’re the one who is going crazy?
11. Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or even lied to sometimes?
12. Do you feel like you’re the victim of emotional blackmail sometimes?
13. Do you feel like the other person sees you as either “all good” or “all bad,” with nothing in between?
14. Does the other person seem to switch moods at the drop of a hat, and is there sometimes no logical reason for the switch?
15. Are you afraid to ask for things in the relationship because you’re afraid you’ll be told that you’re too demanding or that there is something wrong with you?
16. Have you been told that your needs are not important, or do you feel as if the other person feels like their needs are more important that yours?
17. Is the other person always belittling you or your point of view?
18. Do you feel that the other person’s expectations of you are constantly changing, so that you can never live up to them?
19. Do you feel like you are constantly being put down or criticized, as if you can never do anything right?
20. Do you feel misunderstood a great deal of the time, and when you try to explain do you find that the other person doesn’t believe you?
21. Have you been accused of saying and / or doing things you NEVER said or did?
22. Have you tried to leave the relationship? If / when you have has the other person tried to prevent you from leaving?
23. Has the other person tried to break up with you? More than once? If so, have they apologized quickly and tried to make it up to you?
24. Do you have a hard time planning anything (social engagement. etc.) because of the other person’s moodiness, impulsiveness, or unpredictability?
25. Do you make excuses for the other person’s behavior, or do you try to convince yourself that everything is okay?
Positive answers to many of the above questions may indicate that you are being abused (mentally, emotionally, and / or physically), if you are you must get help for yourself. You must also think seriously about whether you even want to stay in the relationship.
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.."
He killed her spirit & took away that sparkle in her eyes, her pain must have been overwhelming. I don't understand how a person who loves you could do this. She started to second guess herself to doubt what she knew was the truth about the relationship. WHY??? Because he had her convinced that everything he said was the truth the only truth.
She wanted to end the marriage, told him this several times & he told her to wait until she was feeling better & they would discuss it then. What gave him the right to dismiss her decisions, her feelings. He gave up all those rights when he first made the decision to abuse her. No marks or bruises where you could see them this was much worse he Emotionally Abused her for years.
Tracy died from emotional abuse/depression/suicide Close
Emotional Abuse / Nancy (mom) Emotional abuse is any behavior that is designed to control another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. It can include verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in her perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it be by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance" or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.
Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer-lasting than physical ones. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.
Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.
Following are types of emotional abuse:
1. DOMINATION: Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it. When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.
2. VERBAL ASSAULTS: berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.
3. ABUSIVE EXPECTATIONS: The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. It could be a demand for constant attention, frequent sex, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person. But no matter how much you give, it's never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
4. EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL: The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, the "cold shoulder," or use other fear tactics to control you.
5. UNPREDICTABLE RESPONSES: Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts (This is part of the definition of BPD). Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hyper vigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.
An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.
6. GASLIGHTING: The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. You know differently. The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity. (If a borderline has been disassociating, they may indeed remember reality differently than you do.)
7. CONSTANT CHAOS: The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others. The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement. (Many non-BPs also are addicted to drama.)
Her Choice / Nancy (Mom) "Her choice to die touches the despair that courts many of us in our own moments of loneliness and threatens the structures of meaning that affirm our own lives. Let us remember that no single act of desperation can define a life. No matter how stalked by pain, her life also had it's moments of delight and happiness, caring and friendship, sharing and love.
Death by choice is not a denial of life; it is the cry of despair for more life. It grows from a deep personal alienation or profound suffering and is carried out alone, after a struggle within the self. "
- Sarah York (from her sermon during the memorial of a woman in her 40's who died by suicide) Close
Almost five years... / Nancy (Mom) I still wake up in the early morning hours with tears running down my face, can't remember if I have been dreaming or not. Wish that Tracy would visit me in my dreams I think that would be a comfort. Next Saturday is Seva Jean's 6th birthday, it's also the last family celebration that Tracy attended five yrs. ago...bittersweet.
It hasn't got any easier to accept that Tracy is gone just a bit more bearable at times & then it hits you & the pain is back worse than ever. You never get over losing your child how could you. I miss her so much, we all do. Little things bring back memories, every day things that we take for granted never believing that life can change forever in a single moment.
If I had one more chance to talk to her I would hug her close & tell her that we love her & miss her That we are so proud of the way she fought to get healthy that we realize how difficult & scary that must have been for her. I would tell Tracy how sorry I was for everything that happened, how heartbroken I am that she had to feel such pain.
Beyond Surviving From My Son...My Son...A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide by Iris Bolton
1. Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can.
2. Struggle with why it happened until you no longer need to know why, or until you are satisfied with partial answers.
3. Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are normal.
4. Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses. You are not crazy, — you are in mourning.
5. Be aware you may feel appropriate anger at the person, at the world, at God, at yourself.
6. You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do.
7. Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on those thoughts.
8. Remember to take one day at a time.
9. Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone.
10. Don't be afraid to cry. Tears are healing.
11. Give yourself time to heal.
12. Remember, the choice was not yours. No one is the sole influence in another's life.
13. Expect setbacks. Don't panic if emotions return like a tidal wave. You may only be experiencing a remnant of grief.
14. Try to put off major decisions.
15. Give yourself permission to get professional help.
16. Be aware of the pain of your family and friends.
17. Be patient with yourself and with others.
18. Set your own limits and learn to say no.
19. Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel.
20. Know that there are support groups that can be helpful, such as The Compassionate Friends or Survivors of Suicide Groups. If not, ask a professional to help start one.
21. Call on your personal faith to help you through.
22. It is common to experience physical reactions to your grief, i.e. — headaches, loss of appetite, inability to sleep, etc.
23. The willingness to laugh with others and at yourself is healing.
24. Wear out your questions, anger, guilt, or other feelings until you can let them go.
25. Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and go beyond just surviving....Close
Reminders/ Julie Champion (sister)
It's funny how little things can trigger memories of Tracy. Sam and I were at the grocery store today and I was getting goldfish crackers for Mike and right next to them were Scrabble Cheeze its. I smiled and put the goldfish crackers back and got the scrabble Cheeze its. Tracy loved to play scrabble and she got upset if you tried to bend the rules. She took the game very seriously. I have several memories of this game & Tracy. She had a fancy scrabble board that turned and one year I bought her the scrabble players dictionary for xmas. When she first had seizures and they were trying to figure out why, they wanted to do a sleep test on her so she had to stay up all night. Todd and I went to her apartment after work and we played scrabble for hours. One of the last times we played was in 2004 while she was living at my moms. We always had so much fun together.For the rest of my life, I will think of her every time I play scrabble.
Cover-ups :) / Nancy (mom) Looking at some photos today reminded me of when Tracy had her surgery for the brain tumor. After the surgery as I stood next to her hospital bed I noticed long strands of her hair on the pillow...I still have it. Kind of like when you save your baby's curls from their first haircut.
After all she had been through it was the hair loss that bothered her guess being a young woman that was to be expected. She went before her radiation and was fitted for a wig, which she never wore.
We bought scarves & she tried them for a while but didn't feel comfortable. So I went to the fabric store & got some stretchy jersey in about six different colors and some velcro. The hair bands were about 4" wide, some people thought she was wearing a wig attached to the wide band.
She wore these until her hair grew back after her radiation treatments were finished...there was one strip across her head where the hair wouldn't grow back ( right behind her bangs) because of the double dose of radiation. She was very creative in covering this up with different hair styles.
One night Tracy & her husband went bowling & a couple of drunks started making fun of her. Making comments about her looking like Jane Fonda with the hair band (think workout videos) she started crying & ran to the rest room.
Then her husband apologized for her behavior to the two drunks WHAT??? She had done nothing wrong but he thought she had created a scene so let the drunks know why she had acted that way. Just more of the abusive way he let her know that her behavior was unacceptable to him.
He had a way of always letting her know when he felt she was wrong. How she lived with that abuse for so many years I will never understand. When the people who are suppose to love you tear you down all the time something inside you dies.
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.."
Tracy was always making excuses for the way he treated her whenever one of us would comment on something he had said or done. After her death I found many web sites about emotionally abusive relationships...protecting the abuser is very common.
2009/ Nancy (Mom) Dear Tracy Ann, I miss you so much...my heart aches for you. Looking at your pictures brings on the tears & regrets for all that happened those last years. We are all doing okay but that doesn't mean that a day goes by that you are not thought about & missed.
The holidays are hard without you here, guess that won't ever change. I find it hard to believe it's been almost 4 1/2 yrs sometimes it feels like yesterday.
When the kids are here I hurt at what you are missing...how you would have loved them all so much. They are losing out on having their "Aunt Tracy" here loving them, playing with them, smiling at them when they are acting silly. Today they were playing "chase" one of their favorite games...running around Sam who was in the play pen while he laughed out loud as he watched them. They make my heart smile & that helps me get through the days when I'm missing you so much.
Snow.../ Nancy (Mom) It's snowing out again so looks like we are having a "White Christmas" oh joy! We've had so much snow this past week we are running out of places to pile it up. It's way too cold for the kids to spend any time outside playing. Seva went sledding once with her daddy so far this season & had a blast. Michael loves being pulled on his sled up & down the sidewalk, around the dog path & then "one more" LOL
I don't decorate for the Holidays any more...tried having a tree last year & ended up taking it down the day after Christmas, I was so angry & threw my brand new tree out to the curb. Not rational behavior but sometimes you just have to do what feels right.
Tracy being gone has changed our lives forever not a day goes by that I don't think of her. The Holidays just make it seem worse because a part of our family is missing.
Tracy's dad is on vacation he usually takes the last two weeks in December every year. As he works outside this gives him a break from the cold weather...except this year when he is out cleaning up the snow every day. Years ago he started helping our next door neighbors an older couple with yard work & snow removal...makes for a long day when we get dumped on with the white stuff.
A few years before Tracy died he had just gone back to work after his vacation when she called him for help. Their driveway had not been shoveled & she kept getting her car stuck at the bottom of it. Why she didn't ask while he was on vacation is a mystery.
So after being at work all day her dad drives out to her house to shovel...he was so mad when he got home! The snow was packed down on the driveway, no way could he clean it up in one day. So the next night Julie & I went along to help it took us hours. You might wonder where Tracy's husband was & why he didn't shovel his own driveway. He was in the house playing video games as usual & couldn't be bothered to come outside & help.
He didn't like it when Tracy asked her dad for help so he once again got his nose out of joint. Guess he was going to wait for the snow to melt, this was early Jan.
Christmas - various memories / Julie Champion (Little sister )
As Christmas approaches I get excited at the thought of my boys opening Christmas presents. Then there is that part of me that wants to avoid Christmas all together because Tracy is not here with us. Sometimes it feels as though we are doing something wrong when we get together and celebrate because a part of us is missing. My hope is that Tracy is watching over us and knows how deeply we all miss her.
I remember making her some of the strangest Christmas presents when I was younger and she always pretended to like them. She gave me the best presents. She certainly knew what I liked. My favorite present from her was the sister's necklace. I was so surprised when I opened it. I haven't wore it in awhile. It also is one of those things that is bittersweet.
I recently donated the last gift given to me by Tracy's ex-husband. I considered it getting bad karma out of my house! and it will make some little girl happy (it was a snow white collectors doll)
The year that Tracy died her ex husband told me I could have her Christmas ornaments. I went to their house to get them and he told me to follow him that they were in the basement. Without thinking I followed him downstairs ....where my sister had taken her own life. I started crying and went up stairs - he followed with the ornaments. I told my husband to take the box and ran out side where I nearly hyperventilated. To this day I can't believe that asshole would take me down there.
So the first Christmas without Tracy I had a tree with all of her ornaments on it. Over the next couple of years I came up with ways to keep Tracy's memory alive around Christmas. I bought myself a present from her and put it under the tree. Then last year I decided instead of that I would make a donation in her name. One year we also lit candles at my moms and read a poem. I think this year I will send Tracy some balloons up to heaven. Close
Missing you... / Nancy (Mom) Tracy I miss you so much every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't remember...most times with a smile. Lot's of tears for what might have been & should have been your future.
As Halloween/my birthday approaches, it reminds me of how I could always count on getting a birthday card from Tracy, no matter how busy she was in her life. It was usually a Halloween/birthday combination card, and it always came right on my birthday. I miss getting those from her. Close
Class of '93 Reunion / Nancy (Mom) It's hard to believe it been 15 years since Tracy graduated high school. Her good friend Tara has kept in touch with Julie & me, that's a comfort knowing that Tracy hasn't been forgotten.
Tara had wrote to me asking if it was okay to give out the web site address for the class reunion which takes place this month. I have noticed quite a few hits on the site since then...please light a candle to let us know you were here.
Short story... Tracy was a pack rat, she saved everything...after her death it was very difficult going through her things. I found a metal box full of notes, the folded up kind you pass in school :)
I got an education from some of them, don't worry they have all been shredded. Tara, Brenda, Danielle, Becky, Ricky (who would have thought), Chris, Tony & probably more that I can't remember.
Also a large gift bag of cards & letters from her friends & family. What a comfort it was to read how much she meant to so many even before her death.
Please remember Tracy once in a while & smile...I know that she would like that.
Tara was kind enough to set me up on the reunion site so I could read what Tracy's classmates have been up to. I hope that all of you have fun at the reunion!!! Close
Almost 4 years... / Nancy (Mom) Next Friday is Seva Jean's 5TH birthday her party will be held on Sunday. Her 1st birthday party was the last family get together that Tracy attended...I have a few photos of her from that day.
The other night we were at the park waiting for the fireworks to start & Seva looked up at the sky & said "Hi Tracy". Every once in a while she asks me why Tracy moved up to the sky/clouds. I know that she doesn't really remember her Aunt Tracy but from hearing us talk & seeing pictures she "knows" her. Tracy should be here for her niece & nephews so that they too could be loved by her...she is missing so much.
There was no reason for Tracy to die...if only her husband would have let go when she asked him to. But he thought he knew better so he told her to wait until she was feeling better & they would discuss it then. Didn't matter that he was the one making her sick & she needed time & space away from him. He thought he could solve all their problems by ignoring them, always telling her that he had things under control. She knew that "nothing had changed" she wrote those words in one of her notes left behind when she took the overdose in April '04.
He writes about setting the record straight about those events but it has never happened because he knows too many people know what really happened. The truth doesn't make him look too good! He even lied on the police report two days after her death...what purpose did that serve. At least at that point he couldn't hurt her any more the people who love her knew the truth.
He lied to her, her doctors, the therapists & the police & still to this day makes up crap about what happened & why. Of course in his version nothing was caused by his actions/non-actions... he was living the perfect life only at the same time his wife was slowly dying each & every day. She was his "everything" his words so why if he loved her so much did he stand by & watch her in pain & do nothing to help her. Then defile her memory with more lies...makes no sense.
It's difficult to understand why this happened, why she let him crush her spirit. We will never get all the answers & it really won't change anything...it won't bring her back. She waited too long to correct her mistakes if only she had left when she first realized what a huge mistake it had been.
We love & miss her so much not a day goes by that she isn't in our hearts & thoughts.
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