Abusive Relationships / Nancy (Mom)
If you are in a “stormy” relationship there are certain questions you need to ask yourself, and the honest answers to those questions can help you to make the choice of whether to stay with that person or to leave the relationship.
Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Is the other person causing you a great deal of pain (emotional, mental and /or physical)?
2. Do you find yourself hiding what you think or feel because you’re afraid of the other person’s reaction?
3. Do you avoid fighting with the other person because it just doesn’t seem worth the horrible fight or hurt feelings that will follow?
4. Do you feel as if you are walking on eggshells?
5. Do you feel that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you?
6. Do you feel like you are blamed and criticized for everything that is wrong in the relationship, even when it makes no logical sense?
7. Are you the focus of the other person’s intense, violent and seemingly irrational rages, alternating with periods when the other person acts perfectly normal and loving?
8. Do you “keep behind closed doors” what is happening in your relationship because you are afraid of what the other person would do if anyone found out what is happening?
10. Do you feel as if you’re the one who is going crazy?
11. Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or even lied to sometimes?
12. Do you feel like you’re the victim of emotional blackmail sometimes?
13. Do you feel like the other person sees you as either “all good” or “all bad,” with nothing in between?
14. Does the other person seem to switch moods at the drop of a hat, and is there sometimes no logical reason for the switch?
15. Are you afraid to ask for things in the relationship because you’re afraid you’ll be told that you’re too demanding or that there is something wrong with you?
16. Have you been told that your needs are not important, or do you feel as if the other person feels like their needs are more important that yours?
17. Is the other person always belittling you or your point of view?
18. Do you feel that the other person’s expectations of you are constantly changing, so that you can never live up to them?
19. Do you feel like you are constantly being put down or criticized, as if you can never do anything right?
20. Do you feel misunderstood a great deal of the time, and when you try to explain do you find that the other person doesn’t believe you?
21. Have you been accused of saying and / or doing things you NEVER said or did?
22. Have you tried to leave the relationship? If / when you have has the other person tried to prevent you from leaving?
23. Has the other person tried to break up with you? More than once? If so, have they apologized quickly and tried to make it up to you?
24. Do you have a hard time planning anything (social engagement. etc.) because of the other person’s moodiness, impulsiveness, or unpredictability?
25. Do you make excuses for the other person’s behavior, or do you try to convince yourself that everything is okay?
Positive answers to many of the above questions may indicate that you are being abused (mentally, emotionally, and / or physically), if you are you must get help for yourself. You must also think seriously about whether you even want to stay in the relationship.
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.."
He killed her spirit & took away that sparkle in her eyes, her pain must have been overwhelming. I don't understand how a person who loves you could do this. She started to second guess herself to doubt what she knew was the truth about the relationship. WHY??? Because he had her convinced that everything he said was the truth the only truth.
She wanted to end the marriage, told him this several times & he told her to wait until she was feeling better & they would discuss it then. What gave him the right to dismiss her decisions, her feelings. He gave up all those rights when he first made the decision to abuse her. No marks or bruises where you could see them this was much worse he Emotionally Abused her for years.
Tracy died from emotional abuse/depression/suicide Close
Emotional Abuse / Nancy (mom) Emotional abuse is any behavior that is designed to control another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. It can include verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in her perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it be by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance" or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.
Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer-lasting than physical ones. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.
Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.
Following are types of emotional abuse:
1. DOMINATION: Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it. When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.
2. VERBAL ASSAULTS: berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.
3. ABUSIVE EXPECTATIONS: The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. It could be a demand for constant attention, frequent sex, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person. But no matter how much you give, it's never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
4. EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL: The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, the "cold shoulder," or use other fear tactics to control you.
5. UNPREDICTABLE RESPONSES: Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts (This is part of the definition of BPD). Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hyper vigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.
An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.
6. GASLIGHTING: The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. You know differently. The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity. (If a borderline has been disassociating, they may indeed remember reality differently than you do.)
7. CONSTANT CHAOS: The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others. The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement. (Many non-BPs also are addicted to drama.)
Missing you... / Nancy (Mom) Tracy I miss you so much every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't remember...most times with a smile. Lot's of tears for what might have been & should have been your future.
As Halloween/my birthday approaches, it reminds me of how I could always count on getting a birthday card from Tracy, no matter how busy she was in her life. It was usually a Halloween/birthday combination card, and it always came right on my birthday. I miss getting those from her. Close
Class of '93 Reunion / Nancy (Mom) It's hard to believe it been 15 years since Tracy graduated high school. Her good friend Tara has kept in touch with Julie & me, that's a comfort knowing that Tracy hasn't been forgotten.
Tara had wrote to me asking if it was okay to give out the web site address for the class reunion which takes place this month. I have noticed quite a few hits on the site since then...please light a candle to let us know you were here.
Short story... Tracy was a pack rat, she saved everything...after her death it was very difficult going through her things. I found a metal box full of notes, the folded up kind you pass in school :)
I got an education from some of them, don't worry they have all been shredded. Tara, Brenda, Danielle, Becky, Ricky (who would have thought), Chris, Tony & probably more that I can't remember.
Also a large gift bag of cards & letters from her friends & family. What a comfort it was to read how much she meant to so many even before her death.
Please remember Tracy once in a while & smile...I know that she would like that.
Tara was kind enough to set me up on the reunion site so I could read what Tracy's classmates have been up to. I hope that all of you have fun at the reunion!!! Close
Almost 4 years... / Nancy (Mom) Next Friday is Seva Jean's 5TH birthday her party will be held on Sunday. Her 1st birthday party was the last family get together that Tracy attended...I have a few photos of her from that day.
The other night we were at the park waiting for the fireworks to start & Seva looked up at the sky & said "Hi Tracy". Every once in a while she asks me why Tracy moved up to the sky/clouds. I know that she doesn't really remember her Aunt Tracy but from hearing us talk & seeing pictures she "knows" her. Tracy should be here for her niece & nephews so that they too could be loved by her...she is missing so much.
There was no reason for Tracy to die...if only her husband would have let go when she asked him to. But he thought he knew better so he told her to wait until she was feeling better & they would discuss it then. Didn't matter that he was the one making her sick & she needed time & space away from him. He thought he could solve all their problems by ignoring them, always telling her that he had things under control. She knew that "nothing had changed" she wrote those words in one of her notes left behind when she took the overdose in April '04.
He writes about setting the record straight about those events but it has never happened because he knows too many people know what really happened. The truth doesn't make him look too good! He even lied on the police report two days after her death...what purpose did that serve. At least at that point he couldn't hurt her any more the people who love her knew the truth.
He lied to her, her doctors, the therapists & the police & still to this day makes up crap about what happened & why. Of course in his version nothing was caused by his actions/non-actions... he was living the perfect life only at the same time his wife was slowly dying each & every day. She was his "everything" his words so why if he loved her so much did he stand by & watch her in pain & do nothing to help her. Then defile her memory with more lies...makes no sense.
It's difficult to understand why this happened, why she let him crush her spirit. We will never get all the answers & it really won't change anything...it won't bring her back. She waited too long to correct her mistakes if only she had left when she first realized what a huge mistake it had been.
We love & miss her so much not a day goes by that she isn't in our hearts & thoughts.
WE DO NOT NEED A SPECIAL DAY / Nancy (mom) We do not need a special day To bring you to our minds. The days we do not think of you Are very hard to find.
Each morning when we awake, We know that you are gone. And no one knows the heartache As we try to carry on.
Our hearts still ache with sadness And secret tears still flow. What it meant to lose you No one will ever know.
Our thoughts are always with you, Your place no one can fill. In life we loved you dearly; In death we love you still.
There will always be a heartache, And often a silent tear. But always a precious memory Of the days when you were here.
If tears could make a staircase, And heartaches make a lane, We'd walk the path to heaven And bring you home again.
We hold you close within our hearts; And there you will remain, To walk with us throughout our lives Until we meet again.
Our family chain is broken now, And nothing seems the same, But as GOD calls us one by one, The chain will link again.
Tracy's Plant / Nancy (mom) Well I finally went & bought some Miracle Grow potting soil :) it will take a "miracle" for this plant (AV) to survive. It's the one Julie & I gave you on Mother's Day '04 when you were in the hospital. I'm really amazed that it has lasted this long!
I did some research on line & they said to re-pot it & cover it with plastic (mini hot house) for 2 weeks. Hopefully this will get it going again. Will post pics when it recovers.
I find an old photograph and see your smile. As I feel your presence anew, I am filled with warmth and my heart remembers love.
I read an old card sent many years ago during a time of turmoil and confusion. The soothing words written then still caress my spirit and bring me peace.
I remember who you used to be the laughter we shared and wonder what you have become. Where are you now, Where did you go, When the body is left behind and the spirit is released to fly?
Perhaps you are the morning bird singing joyfully at sunrise, or the butterfly that dances so carelessly on the breeze or the rainbow of colors that brightens a stormy sky or the fingers of afternoon mist delicately reaching over the mountains or the final few rays of the setting sun lighting up the skies edging the clouds with a magical glow.
I miss your being but I feel your presence, In whatever form you choose to take, however you now choose to be.
Your spirit has become for me a guardian angel on high guiding, advising, and watching over me.
Remember Granny from the show the Beverly Hillbillies...for some reason Tracy & I would watch this show every afternoon. She was probably around 2 yrs. old or so & as the show ended she would start waving & crying (every time) as Granny waved good-bye. I would have to tell her that Granny would be back the next day.
We were living in a duplex that we rented from my sister Jean in Fond du Lac. Jean left for work around 4 a.m. so each night her son Brian would spend the night downstairs with us. He shared a room with Tracy until we had to move her crib to the dining room because she was keeping him awake each night...he was in morning kindergarten. She would throw her stuffed animals out of her crib she wanted to play :)
fast forward
Tracy watched Young & the Restless for years, sometimes she would ask me to tape it for her. I haven't watched it for the last 4 yrs. it's one of those things (one of many) that I now avoid. I miss her...
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While Tracy was in the hospital in April '04 Julie & I re-decorated the bedroom she had been using here. We didn't want her coming back to the same room where she had almost died from an overdose. So we went shopping late one night & bought paint, wallpaper border, new bedding, curtains, new rugs etc. We worked all night changing that room so she could have a fresh start when she came home.
Seva Jean uses that bedroom now when she stays here with her dad & the other day I decided it's time to paint & replace the curtains. Somethings have changed theres her princess vanity & decorations & pastel carpet & her kitchen set which Michael likes to play with. On her door there's a sign saying "No Boy Babies Allowed" Seva is almost 5 yrs. old & wants a pink sewing machine for her birthday.
How to Dance in the Rain / Nancy (Mom) It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had be
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